I don’t seem to be ready to go on with the whole story just yet, so just one little thought. Back when I used to have occasional ‘black days’, days of shame or despair, my mantra was, ‘I’m no good, I’m no good . . .’ I think almost everyone has days like these from time to time and we all have our own unique mantra, our own lowest-point position. That was mine. I felt that I should never have been born, couldn’t deserve the space I took, could never live up to people’s expectations of me, could never be properly loved.
And most people’s lowest-point mantras follow this kind of theme – could never be properly loved. We learn it early, don’t we? That jarring look you see on a child’s face when being roughly chastised by their parent. That breaks my heart every time. When you are the parent and just trying to get through the day you don’t notice the jarring, but when you watch it as a stranger you only see the shattered innocence. ‘But I thought I was absolutely lovable. I thought I was perfect in every way . . .’
That’s where the black day mantra starts. That’s where the ego rears up and makes a life out of proving to everyone else, and thus to ourselves, that we are absolutely lovable. That we deserve stuff. That we are good enough.
In the comments to my last post Jeanie said this:
I used to bamboozle the physics students by kyboshing their “science is god” pontificating by explaining that I was the only thing I could prove existed and therefore everything they put before me (including themselves) was possibly a construct of my own mind.
And Descartes once said something similar, ‘I think, therefore I am.’ Me, I say I know I exist. That’s all I know for sure.
So why do we spend so much time trying to prove to others we are not unlovable?
((hugs))
*sigh* It’s the ego and hurt that really separates us from the other animals, trying to prove, as you said, that we’re not unlovable.
Hope your black day is behind you now.
I think (well I know for myself and assume for others) that we all have those black days – its just that some are better at overcoming them or succumbing to them.
We all have ways to try and get by – a lot of our ways are learned behaviours, and so we try to “please” or “become loveable” because we know we have a better shot at being rewarded for those actions than by not doing so.
I think the most important thing is working on showing yourself that you are not unloveable (cue to Whitney Houston) (circa 1980s power ballads – not present day) so that you can kick that “I’m no good” voice to the wall and tell it that heck, yes, you are not only good, you are powerful and not going to let it ruin another day!
Of course, this is one of my pollyanna days!
Mine is “I wish I could curl up in a ball and disappear”. I’m having one today.
Sorry I haven’t been here for a couple of days to reply. I know it sounds like I was having one of those black days – I am not always very clear and straightforward in my writing, have to work on that. I *used* to have occasional black days, touch wood, but don’t seem to any more. I was just having a sudden insight about them when I wrote this post.
Which was that my black days were about not being good enough for other people. That was enough to make me feel really bad about myself. And now I believe that it’s only about me, that I am the only one I have to please. Presumably that’s why I don’t have them any more.
And hugs to you, Lightening. I gather from your blog that you are feeling a bit better by now, but I know it is a constant threat. I hope one day you can be like me and say ‘use to’.
I hope so too Hilary.
Given all I’ve been doing, having one black day isn’t too bad. I have to admit I don’t *always* let on on my blog as to how I’m feeling – it just depends.